I wanted to share something that has been percolating within my mind for a few days and, to be honest, I am not sure how to express it.
When my sisters and I were brought up, we were steeped in the Protestant religion. Mom “forced” us, hmmmmm, from maybe 12 years of age throughout our teens, that is, before we went off to college, to read daily devotions out loud. Daily Word, Upper Room, God Calling as I recall. Tough because we often missed the bus and had to walk to school, maybe a mile or so, cannot remember.
We attended church for hours on Sundays, stayed after, sang in the choir, participated in Youth Fellowship, etc., and Mom frequently hosted her prayer group for lunch at our home.
Mom appeared to be highly adept/skilled/expert at laying guilt trips. All four of us grew up believing that nothing we could ever do was right, there was always something wrong. Let me speak for myself. I grew up to be very indecisive, perfectionistic and insecure. I won’t speak for them.
Needing to overcome this, I worked toward excelling in everything, became highly competitive and driven. I won’t bore you with details.
What I realized lately is that I had unconsciously transferred what I learned from our Mom to ACIM. Again, not sure how to express this. OK, I have been very confused about the concept of turning the other cheek, feeling a need, almost a compulsion, to be long suffering, a “sacrificial lamb”, if you will, and stay deeply seeped in martyrdom and victimhood.
All without even realizing it. Understanding I wanted to say no more often, when applicable, set and maintain boundaries, etc., but at the deepest level, sabotaging myself.
So great was this compulsion toward just accepting my life and then resenting it. Mom once told us she was going to write a book, Accept and Resent. That’s what I have done.
But the truth is I haven’t accepted my life, I have resisted it as it’s been, resented my “persecutors” and felt compelled to just stay silent, a victim of others’ sins.
Such a revelation for me!
It was triggered by I don’t know what on Saturday, then yesterday, Rev. Deb, Mari and I did a podcast and I brought it up. In a manner that was disjointed or not well though out or something, but what I realized is how strongly our “long ago”, deeply ingrained beliefs can play out in our lives without our awareness of them.
Ah, so this is what Jesus means by looking at the darkness, asking for help to transform it into light. I see more clearly now.
Today’s lesson is so straightforward.
My only function is to forgive. If I practice it with a lot of help, I will be happy.
If I don’t, I will be unhappy.
Very simple. “Complexity of form does not imply complexity of content. It is impossible that any decision on earth can have a content different from just this one simple choice. That is the only choice the Holy Spirit sees. Therefore it is the only choice there is.”
If I see with the body’s eyes, I see separation. Unforgiveness reigns, unhappiness is the experience, is the effect, is the form.
If I see with Christ’s vision, I see nothing but Oneness. Forgiveness is a choice I make to be happy!
Will you join me?