Gosh, it has taken me several hours to “work on” this “brain fog” I appear to be experiencing. I just didn’t want to write for the sake of doing so.
Jesus speaks to wishes, the idle wishes of the ego, versus the will of God.
The idle wishes I have had to be happy have always entailed some form of specialness, much of the time with my being totally unaware of my commitment and attraction to it.
For me, specialness is about bartering, Jesus uses this word in the third paragraph, first sentence.
When B. and I got married, I wasn’t fresh out of college, we dated for three years, I was 27 when I walked down the aisle, older given all my college friends and two of my sisters were already married. It was the 70s though and many women back then, those who did go to college, married shortly after graduation. But, as usual, I digress.
We weren’t madly in love, we loved one another, but I didn’t believe that our union would be blissful, our courtship hadn’t been. I didn’t believe that a wedding ring on my left hand made a difference, it didn’t and it doesn’t.
The bottom line is I see now most clearly that in my active avoidance of willing there be light and my focusing on the ego’s darkness of which I was unaware, our marriage has been fraught with arguments, some far more intense than others, wide differences of opinion…oh, gosh, I could go on and on and will not…but the common denominator among all the special interests to which we did cling was wanting to maintain our respective individuality without sacrificing too much of ourselves.
We are now at the 45 year mark. Sure, there have been good times and many, too many, characterized by hatred and condemnation. B. trying to fix me and my doing the same with him…even if I did not verbalize my wanting him to be different (Lesson 71), it was in my mind.
Funny, I have always deluded myself that if I didn’t say something I was thinking that might be harmful or hurtful, I was the “better”, more mature individual.
That is so much hogwash. If I were to revisit the definition of honesty in the Manual, I would be reminded that it’s honesty in our thoughts, words and deeds, honesty that is consistent across the board. I don’t say something and think another. I don’t think something about which I am aggrieved and don’t say it and then feel I am spiritually superior to someone else. I wasn’t superior to B. for not having expressed my desire he radically change to suit me, I was acting or thinking no differently than he was. Ouch!
Bottom line, specialness doesn’t work….ah, but why am I unable to keep our special relationship on the altar for His transformation to holiness? Simple.
I want to assure my individuality is maintained, after all, if I am no longer the Gayle Bartlett I love at times and unquestionably hate as well, what would I do with my life? What would the Holy Spirit make me do or say? Not sure if I am ready to experience this freedom to which the Course alludes. It is the unknown. It does frighten me at times and at others, I am willing to embrace it, especially if I am in a “zone” for those ten moments of practice. All that means is I have and do experience a modicum of peace and safety when I make my practice a priority, it truly does make a difference.
Hmm…I guess I will close that this marriage of mine stays on the altar longer than it used to, that’s the happy news.
Oh, and going back to the lesson for today, I loved the sentence in the sixth paragraph, last line, “We undertake it with your blessing and your glad accord.”
I may not feel like undertaking my practice with my blessing and glad accord, but I will ask Jesus to help me with the resistance I am experiencing to it, the feelings I have today that I am not worthy. Ah, yes, that’s what it is today. Unworthiness emerged and is being cleared. Amen!
Have a wonderful day!