Not feeling particularly open today. Not sure why. Didn’t sleep well. Scattered. A little overwhelmed. Tired. Blah, blah, blah and on the ego goes with its awfulizing.
I am feeling rather resistant to this lesson.
Hmmm…it is because I sort of closely examined the aspects of my life that I have not surrendered:
The work, projects, tasks I perform for our business. Well, I do sometimes, not always, and then it is in dribs and drabs. Especially if stressed. And it’s usually about financial concerns, feeling depressed and disheartened by the debt we’ve incurred over the last few years.
My health. Sure I have some “minor” concerns, but I resist going to any doctor for any reason and I come from two medical professionals as parents. I allow the fear I have and the pretty deep distrust I feel toward doctors to block this area of my life…to my own detriment…and yet, I still avoid them like the plague.
Certain relationships. Yep, I place them on the altar at times, but then all of this placing them there goes right out the window when I have expectations that are unmet, outcomes that disappoint or enrage, assumptions that were made and off base, etc. In a flash, I am right back into the ego’s doodoo.
Yes. I am not ready to accept only God’s plan for salvation will work. I simply am not today. Period.
I concede that my plans don’t work. I concede that I do not know what my best interests are nor those of other. I concede I am often, all too often, lost. Bewildered, confused, discouraged, angry, powerless, etc.
Yes. My self-concept is not well-grounded in truth. Sometimes, yes. Many times throughout the day, no.
Have I honestly believed if everyone else changed, I would be happy? Yep. My husband and parents in particular. Have I honestly believed that were circumstances different, whatever form they might take or have taken, I would be happy? Yep.
So why the resistance?
The “devil” I know seems to be less of a threat to my beingness than what I can expect from Jesus or the Holy Spirit.
What will I lose? What will I have to sacrifice for peace?
So incredibly convoluted and upside down.
Ah, but I am honest today.
What I realized after M. read this morning was that I can place it all on the altar for 10 minutes, twice today. I am not signing a contract in blood that I will do this all day, just 20 minutes today, 20 minutes in the Holy Instant spent taking Jesus’ hand, walking through the clouds of complexity, chaos, confusion, condemnation, criticism, crucifixion representing the ego thought system and with Him by my side, we find and bask in the light of TRUTH and PEACE.
Yes, this is what I will do today. Yep, I will vacillate all day, I won’t fight it, I will acknowledge it and remember, when I can, to practice and if I forget, ask for help to forgive myself.
Have a blessed day!