Not sure what to write about this morning. Hmm….
Well, perhaps it relates, this indecision, to my conflict about believing today’s lesson. “I am the light of the world”?, what? This is clearly not the first time Jesus is telling us we are not guilty, sinful and beyond redemption.
Why is it that I am attracted to guilt? Well, of course, this is addressed in the text under The Laws of Chaos as well as the entire Course. I am terrified of losing my identity because I really am unsure as to what being without it means, how it will affect me, what will it look like?
B. came home yesterday and had heard from C., number two in birth order among four sons. Their youngest brother, D., is in a hospital detoxing until he can be admitted to a treatment facility. It is state-funded as he has no money. He is due in court on his aggravated DWI among other counts on 3/12. However, if in treatment, the court date will be delayed for 90 days. Apparently, they have a cousin who is director of a “free” treatment center that will admit D., it’s for four weeks.
C. was seemingly bragging about what he’s done thus far to help their youngest brother. B., my husband, escalated this scenario about three weeks ago as D. had called him, he was barely able to talk so thick-tongued was he, and complaining that everyone was to blame for his “miserable” life, etc. He denied drinking, he denied taking any drugs, he denied smoking.
It was intense and unpleasant. B. calls himself the Dark Knight of the sons, C., the Light Knight of the sons as B. is direct and forthright and it appears C. is the enabler, if you will.
Now, hear me out. B. has lived with an alcoholic, although years ago, who was quite toxic, quite lost and quite vicious in the depth of her addiction and that would be me.
B., when I was in treatment for eight weeks in a residential facility among medical professionals, lawyers and executives, went there every week and toward its end, he attended a two day seminar along with all other patients’ families, including teenagers and young adults. They were educated on the phenomenon of addiction, its cause, symptoms and treatment. Also, each immediate family member had to write a letter to the addict stating how he/she had been adversely impacted by the addiction. When B.’s letter was read to me by my therapist in our group of eight, I was embarrassed and ashamed beyond description. But that was 14 years ago and the long ago past.
Anyhow, he is well aware it can be such a slippery slope, however, he doesn’t speak to what he experienced with me to C., he merely tries to educate C. on the danger of enabling because addicts need what Jesus states is true empathy, not false empathy or pity. I cannot speak to whether B. is doing this, that is, extending the love that comes from beyond ego, above the battleground, but it appears he is doing his upmost to prevent D. from taking drastic action, suicide or a slow form of it, and/or going to jail.
OK, enough background and elaboration.
My point is really this: Every member of B.’s family is the light of the world. I am too. As long as I get stuck in all of this with ego, I am unable to rise above the battleground. I am unable to apply an earlier lesson, “There is nothing my holiness cannot do”, etc. I am choosing to get into the drama and asking myself who is truly the Light Knight, who is the Dark Knight?
I am observing this “medieval” drama, kidding, and what do I do, do I join with B. in wishing it all were different, in wishing his family would listen to him or do I choose to rise above all the cries for help, the desperate cries for help and see it all play out from “above”? I reread Above the Battleground in the text earlier this week, very helpful, I highly recommend reading it if you have a moment or two.
Please keep the B. family in your prayers by practicing this lesson.
My gratitude to all of you, if you read this, and for your prayers and forgiveness.