Hi there,
Last night’s class was wonderful, as always, if you are guided to entertain enrolling in the next one, I assure you will find the time and energy you invest to be invaluable. Rev. Deb encouraged us to just look at the “darkness”, the pain, the anguish, whatever form it takes, just three little words, LOOK AT IT, not delve deeply into the doodoo, don’t go deeply into the swamp, the muck, the mud, the rabbit hole, it isn’t necessary to spend ANY time analyzing, dissecting, evaluating, in short, trying to put the puzzle pieces together to complete the puzzle of madness. It won’t work. Any analysis I have ever done to explore the origin of my acute despair and/or depression gets me nowhere. Three simple, not complex, little words.
Jesus just tells us to look at anything that is causing discomfort in any form, any emotion, feeling of anxiety, “dis-ease”, any sense of urgency, gotta do this, gotta do that, right now or I will “die”. You know, that intense urge to complete a task or project, make the call, resolve a problem, immediately! Immediately, all of this mess is of the ego because it is single-mindedly focused on its survival, not yours as a Son of God, but its within your own mind.
When I read today’s lesson last night, I thought a lot about his reference to intellectual feats and logical toys, how many times have I/you?…been mired in those. How much time have I wasted in trying to figure my malaise out? How many years have I tried to prove I am not dumb, Dad used to tell all four of us we were not smart, not bright, etc., and I bought into it.
Anyhow….I am more and more willing to carve out time in my seemingly super-busy schedule to practice and the time I do spend is so soothing and nurturing, restorative and well, delicious is the word that came to me yesterday, to be honest.
I use a paragraph from Lesson 189 to still my mind, placing everything I think is bad or good, true or false, etc., getting still for several minutes before I practice and, often lately, I may only address two or three areas of concern as opposed to digging for stuff with which to practice, just gently letting my challenges or concerns to bubble up for healing.
Ah, just being tenderhearted and kind to myself, is this possible? Gosh, Jesus encourages us to bring insecurity to the altar, paragraph 6, I have seemed to have labeled myself as insecure throughout my life, hmmm…. Is this attraction to guilt, me thinks it is!
Ken Wapnick stated in his book that we are believing guilt is HEAVEN when we stay stuck because we, unconsciously, are so terrified to losing our individuality, our identity, etc.
Do I really want to cling to my identity as Gayle Bartlett who experiences herself feeling competent, responsible, reliable, “powerful” in one minute and in the next, incompetent, irresponsible, unreliable and powerless in the next. Hell, no, hell, no, hell, no, and if I have offended anyone using this word, kindly forgive me.
OK…think I will make practicing this rather long lesson today with fervor and commitment and when I resist because I will, I will incorporate my resistance in my practice.
Have a very blessed day.
Love to all,
Gayle
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