I so enjoyed reading both Rev. Deb’s and Mari’s posts this morning, please take the time to do so as well.
I have shared that this week that I allowed myself to deeply get caught up in the ego’s snare of victimization, martyrdom and self-sacrifice. If I knew better, I would do differently.
The rub is I know what I can do to alleviate these feelings. Jesus provides us with a plethora, an abundance of practical application tools that will enable us to choose and maintain peace throughout our lives.
Why didn’t I do it this week?
What exacerbates this for me as I find myself descending downward into an abyss of condemnation, criticism and crucifixion is the guilt I feel, which I deny, because I should be apply to easily and swiftly apply the Course. After all, I have studied it for quite some time now and I am an ordained minister, I should know better. “What is wrong with me, I am pathetic, I am a loser, I will never get this, it’s too late because I am too old, maybe another lifetime, oh no, I can’t bear to think about yet another seeming lifetime.” And on and on and on it goes, the ego’s toxic and continuous shrieking in my ear about what a failure I am. Interesting, though, isn’t it?, that the ego simultaneously tells me to project it outward toward my persecutors, knowing full well it is myself whom I attack and eviscerate. UGH!
Do I want the peace of God or not? In the section I referred to yesterday, Section VII, The Consistency of Means and End, there is a sentence that sums this up, “How can one be sincere and say, I want this above all else, and yet I do not want to learn the means to get it?” Page 440, paragraph 3, sentence 7.
And there we have it. We state we want peace above all else, we want to see things differently, above all else, and we CHOOSE to NOT use the means, the entire blue book, to help us to choose peace through practical application. No different than preparing for a marathon, never do we state we will run a marathon this year and then choose not to run on a regular basis, eat nutritious food, etc. Just think about the discipline we exert in learning a new skill at work or in our personal lives, whatever form they may take…and yet, we resist utilizing the means so lovingly provided to us by Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
This past week, I chose self-destruction. I chose specialness. I chose separation.
I chose to take all my grievances against Gale and Dennis over decades and magnified them in my mind, creating a toxic and poisonous story of pain, misery and fear.
When I am engaged in specialness, I am only tormenting myself.
When I am finally willing to ask the Holy Spirit to transform my heinous thoughts to harmless ones, to kind and loving thoughts, I am telling Him I do not know what is for the Highest Good for all, I do not know what this relationship is for, I have given it all the meaning it has for me, I am never upset for the reason I think, etc. Just think about the 33 lessons that precede this one. And here we are, we finally get that we can always choose peace and allow HIM to show us how He can liberate us from the patterns of behavior that cripple us in our minds. ( I love the fact that Lesson 5, I am never upset for the reason I think is very generic, if you will, and here we are 29 lessons later and He is teaching us how to alleviate the stress from allowing ourselves to get upset.)
As I continue to diligently practice in spite of my detours, self-chosen as they have been, I am back on the road to hope, faith, trust, love and peace.
BTW, there are times when I share where I am and get a response that may cause embarrassment, shame or cringing on my part as I read them, but I am realizing that it is NEVER about how anyone reacts to anything I may write. I can only control my own feelings and thoughts. If I trigger something within anyone for any reason, I realize that they are in the process, as am I, in letting go the need to control in any form, all ego, and relinquishing it to the Holy Spirit and they, like me, may encounter their own detours as they practice.
It is all a part of the healing process to peace. I love that we are journeying on this road to everlasting serenity, tranquility and Oneness together, I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed.