Before I get into my thoughts about my own identity as I allow it to play out, that is, as I am less afraid to look and I mean, really look at the darkness, I will share a few excerpts from Ken Wapnick’s Journey through the WB of ACIM:
“On an individual level, if, as discussed previously, (a reference to his commentary on other lessons), we want to feel unfairly treated, what better way to accomplish that than always to be around those who treat us unfairly? Whether they do or do not, we shall perceive them that way. As Jesus reminds us in this paraphrased statement from the text, a wonderful line we have already quoted: If we experience our brother as not speaking of Christ to us, it is only because we have first accused ourselves of having not spoken of Christ to him (T-11.V.18:6). We thus wind up thoroughly convinced our perceptions of victimization are valid.”
“What we find within our minds are the multitudinous forms of the one error, the only illusory thought of separation. In other words, as I said earlier, once you identify with the ego’s separated self, everything you think, believe, feel, perceive, and experience will be wrong. Whether it is noble, beautiful, holy, and good, or simply terrible, it will be wrong because it will have been based on specialness and separation.”
“Remember again, we cannot get to the true Self without first looking at the false one. That is why the early workbook lessons focused on our misthoughts and misperceptions. The correction for these mistakes is realizing there is another way of looking at the world; another way of looking at ourselves.”
OK, so to go back to my self-inflicted week from “hell” last week. Whew! I was accusing myself of first not having spoken of Christ to Gale and Dennis, begrudging, certainly, this weekly drill of attending to their home for six months and then projected it onto them, feeling victimized, taken advantage of, used, manipulated, etc. Fill in the blanks with any adjective descriptive of being at the mercy of someone else. And anyone else will do in the ego’s thought system!
Look at the second excerpt above, OMG, what a lollapalooza! SO…when I have volunteered to attend to their home, clinging to my identity of Gayle as the reliable, dependable, responsible, good and endearing, loving friend of our neighbors’, it is still specialness and separation because I was not asking Source for help. I was and still am addicted to specialness and its continuation, apparently.
OH DEAR, and look at the results. Disruption, chaos, despair, helplessness ensued in my own mind. Why am I still so attached to specialness when I can clearly see the impact of destruction it had upon me?
When I want peace above all else, above all else, above all else, my relationships, all of them, will be on the altar to stay, period. How much longer will I be committed to self-pity, depression, and powerlessness?
Well, they are on the altar, for now, let’s see how long they stay there, LOL!
Oh, one last thought, if I am describing myself with both negative and positive descriptors and I am setting myself up to feeling poorly treated, well, my goodness, we all are, all human beings until we are no longer performing this insane dance of self-harmfulness.
We remember this when others may be disagreeable, angry, enraged, depressed, whatever, they, too, are doing it unto themselves until they stop.