Well, there was more seeming drama last night and because I had chatted about my “war within myself” with regard to D.’s journey, I found myself being able to detach and just send him love, peace and healing thoughts.
Evidently, his former wife, M., is following him during the day to see what he’s up to since he contends he works two jobs. She followed him to a park and after he got situated on a park bench, she went up to his car, she and her wealthy family own it and allow him to drive it, and saw several empty half-liters or liters of Vodka in the front seat. She also had taken this car to be accessed for damages as he’s been in two accidents in the past two weeks. It looks like it’s about 10K which she trusts will be covered by their insurance.
His court date for his DUI is 3/12.
M., their 15 year old daughter, wants nothing to do with him.
OK, it looks as though she may be developing a case for sole custody, don’t know. He currently has liberal visitation rights.
OK, enough of the meaningless details, because as we practice the reviews of the first five lessons, it is so very clear to me that:
The D. mess I think I see means nothing because I am not thinking with God. I have had NO vision because I see through ego’s eyes.
I have given this what I have judged to be tragic and absurd all the meaning it has for me and MY “judgments have hurt me, and I do not want to see according to them.”
OMG, why are they hurting me? I am committed, apparently, to separation and when I separate from my brothers, I feel alone, depressed, powerless, frightened and yet, gosh, the drama can be so compelling because of its lure to distract, condemn, crucify and, also, I cringe now, to feel superior to those who have made a mess of their lives. Oh dear, it is too easy to drop into spiritual specialness. Nope, don’t want that anymore, I just don’t.
I do not understand any of this, how could I? I go back to the Manual where Jesus speaks to judgment, it is such a rich and profound treatise on how in the world do we really think we can judge anything? I want to “make room for what can be seen and understood and loved.” Not just for his, the Bartlett family’s sake, but for my own. For all brothers as I allow the healing on MY mind.
All these thoughts I have been thinking don’t mean anything. I have been trying to “think without God.” I want to think with God. I want to be peaceful and by choosing this, my loving thoughts, my joining with Jesus or the Holy Spirit, my asking for a miracle, there is an extension of love and light, peace and healing that Dan will accept, later than sooner, perhaps, that part is up to him.
Finally, I am not upset because I worry about D. if I am in the ego thought system, I am upset because see him as a separate individual which means I have chosen separation. I see his healing as different than my own. I see separate interests, not shared interests. And, again I cringe, maybe God will get him and punish him and I will escape HIS wrath. I no longer want to “defend a thought system that has hurt me”.
I am so thankful for this opportunity to forgive, to deepen my own practice, to stay mindful, grounded and detached, to release the need, other than on this forum, to repeat what appears to be happening to anyone.
I am so grateful to Rev. Deb, MiraclesOne and to all of you for the opportunity to release any “secret sins and hidden hates” in my own mind that block my ability to experience the love and peace of God.
Love to all,
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