I didn’t read this morning so I was able to deeply relax and take in the beauty of this lesson’s reading, it was just so lovely and then I decided to apply it while we were meditating.
What came to me, in an ever so gentle manner, was just to be calm. As my Source, our Source, God is calmness, serenity, quietness, silence, peace, harmony and love.
There is no perception in God because there is no duality so as long as I think I am a perceiver, perceiving anything, I am aligned with separation, the ego’s stick, as I wrote yesterday.
As I was still, I found my mind going back to Lesson 24, I do not perceive my own best interests, now…why in the world when I not want to accept that God is my Source, that I can experience true vision only through Him? Why need I be terrified to relinquish my identity as Gayle?
I have readily admitted in numerous forums, my way of resolving challenges has never worked, at least not on a long-term basis.
When a relationship hasn’t worked according to my wishes, I have often run away from it. I remember a dear physician with whom I had become close when I was in treatment for alcoholism over 13 years ago. She was Canadian, a gynecologist/surgeon who specialized in difficult and life-threatening deliveries. She had almost died from alcohol poisoning; oh, and she was practicing medicine in Trinidad. We spent a lot of time together the eight weeks I was in the apartment complex with her and we had developed a very loving bond. After we were released, having assured our sobriety, I came home, she returned to Canada to live with her Dad as she had lost her license to practice medicine for a year or so. She decided to stay there and would need to take her med boards again to secure a license there.
About six months later, she came to visit and I felt myself overwhelmed with what I perceived to be her “neediness”, her dependence on me as her lifeline, if you will.
I found it oppressive. Sure, our time together was pleasant, but I couldn’t wait for her to leave. I am sure she picked that up.
Long story short, she reached out to me innumerable times and I half-heartedly responded.
I deeply regret having responded to my judgments of her, harsh as they were, with such little compassion and tolerance. I labeled her and just discarded her, gosh, this is tough to write.
I clearly was unable to recognize at the time that I was engaged in specialness and moved onto to other relationships that I felt would better suit my needs. HA!
I share this because I don’t perceive my own best interests to use the reference that emerged this morning and when I perceive through the body’s eyes, I will always see some form of fragmentation, separation, division, separate interests and harmfulness. And I, all too often in the past, have fled.
God is my Source. Today I am honoring my friend from whom I have not heard in at least ten years. I am using ACIM and this lesson to lovingly forgive myself through the Holy Spirit and because mind is beyond time and space, the healing and loving thoughts I send to her will be received.
Ah, the beauty and reassurance we can derive just from practicing.