I am sort of in a quandary as to what to write this morning, the reason being is I just got off the phone with Bill about the vitamins he orders every month and appointments he has through and with a holistic MD. Ay vey, the amount he spends is staggering, I won’t share how much he expends, but it’s exorbitant, outrageous, ridiculous, absurd. Just being honest here. I see to what extent he believes intaking all these vitamins and having his blood and urine analyzed twice a year is tantamount and quintessential to his very existence. The analyses his doctor performs twice a year cost several thousand dollars out of pocket.
He has done this for years. Our business for the last three years tanked, hit a very low point where we had to take funds from various accounts to assure it remained open, etc.
OK, what does this has to do with the practical application of this lesson today?
I do not perceive my own best interest. I want Bill to be different, I want him to realize how outrageous his expenditures are, I want him to be apologetic for putting us into this hellhole of debt, I want him to change his mind, I want him to stop going to the MD who basically slaps her own label on vitamins and charges too much. Etc., and etc.
Do you see where I am going here? It doesn’t matter whether I am practicing on my own personal issues, whatever form they take, or someone else’s like Bill’s “sins” as I perceive them. I am not at peace.
And as I was practicing during our meditative time this morning on our daily WB call, I realized this lesson feels like a precursor to Lesson 71, Rev. Deb’s favorite. “If this were different, I would be saved.”
No solution I WANT with respect to Bill’s spending habits with vitamins will ever work because I am acutely stuck in judgment and condemnation.
I can use this lesson to allow the Holy Spirit or Jesus to help me to see this differently, to see I have given this all the meaning it has for me, that I am NEVER upset for the reason I think and I CAN escape the world I see by giving up attack thoughts.
I think I will do that, just trust that there is only one problem and only one solution and that is accepting the atonement and allowing Him to undo my convoluted and insane alignment with the ego thought system.
Before I close, it is challenging for me to be as open as I have been in this email, but the only way I can truly heal is to be being willing to share even my darkest and most unloving thoughts. If I do not perceive my OWN best interest, how in the “hell” could I possibly know what is best for Bill or anyone, including all of you? My goodness, the ego is relentlessly focused on its goal of survival and predominance.
Much love to all,