Well, I sure as “hell” made these last two days pretty dark with my thinking. Over time, I have learned, albeit the hard way, that it’s OK, this darkness will emerge in what feels like horrific intensity and urgency, but, thankfully, it will always pass when and IF I am willing to look at it with the Holy Spirit.
I sure got caught up in condemning both Gale and Dennis for taken advantage of my innumerable kindnesses, thoughtfulness and, oh dear, self-sacrificing proclivities.
I was feeling, “WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH?” Why in the “hell” don’t they pay for snow plowing services, why don’t they pay to have someone come in once a month to attend to their home? They do that when they’re back in Chicago, they pay a neighbor 20.00 per month to look after their villa although clearly the weather is very different in form in Florida than ours in the winter.
Anyhow, I allowed myself to get caught up in a vicious, “deadly” to me and my well-being, and self-destructive downward cycle of helplessness, powerless and victimization.
Yesterday, alas, a fellow student, one who is very devoted to her study of ACIM, shared her own experience with self-sacrificing behavior that was HUGELY beneficial to me.
I am so thankful to her for having intimately identified her “story” about those who rent a room from her on a short-term basis and for whom she went way above and beyond in providing services that certainly would not be covered in their just renting from her. Several tenants, evidently, pushed her too far and she, finally and resolutely, said “NO MORE”, however she stated this strong boundary doesn’t matter, does it?
Long story short, she chose to no longer be a victim of her own need to help in the name of helping humanity, whatever, because although she was aware she was performing tasks she might not want to do, chauffeuring them to other locations, etc., she just didn’t know how to stop the behavior.
OMG, same for me.
That was MY dilemma. I dug this darn hole of misery, too deep from which I could extricate myself. Ah, and that was the problem, I listened to ego’s voice and didn’t really ask for help in releasing my need to rescue, control, really, protect my identity as the Gayle Bartlett upon whom everyone can rely, the individual who is reliable, dependable, punctual, predictable, efficient, etc., you name a “positive” adjective, that was the image I was desperate to save.
Until my dear classmate wrote the post she did, she was and is my savior because I was totally open to receiving the counsel she listened to from the Holy Spirit. In her healing, she truly helped me to heal and put an end to this dangerous and self-defeating cycle of behavior in which I have engaged for decades. Why would I be so terrified of saying no, setting boundaries, establishing ground or housekeeping rules if I weren’t afraid I would dissolve into nothingness without my “beloved” attachment to ego?
Finally, since I have chosen to no longer be a victim of my own thinking, the issue’s core,( which she so lovingly pointed out), I can place my “special” relationship with Gale and Dennis on the altar for healing and trust that the Holy Spirit will transform it to a holy one. In the Text, Jesus points out that upon so doing, we will feel terribly uncomfortable and disturbed, but that’s OK because it there’s NO sharp contrast to what it was and what it can be and will evolve into, it is easy to slide back into specialness and/or choose another special relationship in which to engage.
I love you all.
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