Hi there,
OK, well, I found yesterday and today’s lessons challenging to practice because I chose to descend down the rabbit hole of judgment, condemnation and rage.
Bill and I live on a cul de sac and there are seven homes on our court.
Our neighbors, two doors over, Gale and Dennis head to Florida from Chicago to their villa for six months. I water her 20 plants in their absence once a week, run water, flush toilets, etc. This is my seventh year of so doing and I, overall, haven’t had too much of a problem with it. At one time, she had twice that number of plants, many of which were huge, on several different levels and I found that was rather annoying, to be honest, but, other than that, not a big deal.
Another friend of Gale’s comes about once a month to start her car, a sports model, no snow tires, and if possible, drive it around our subdivision so the battery is charged.
Yesterday, Gale asked me if Bill or I would start her car as the other friend is not able to continue doing it for her.
AHA, the ego loves catching us off guard. It just so incensed me, this additional request, above and beyond everything else I do every week for six months and, if I am honest with myself and you, it only took one minute to grab the keys from their kitchen and start the car. I let it run while I did my due diligence inside. YET, it took a nano-second to get perturbed to such an extent that I let it affect my well-being and peace of mind.
God is in everything I see, meaning perceive or think, Lesson 29, did not accompany me on my journey back into darkness, I had chosen to deeply descend into the rabbit hole and remained there until after our Lesson 30 meditation call this morning. What I allowed the ego to do as I aligned myself with it was bring up every detail of every grievance I have had with either or both of them over decades. Seriously, over 25 to 30 years, imagined slights, instances of insensitivity or total lack of gratitude or appreciation, inability to communicate, etc. Coming up with a litany of complaints took little time and seemed very justified and defensible to me. I was in the throes of a self-righteous indignation episode for sure. (BTW, I am not paid for anything I do, not that I would accept it anyway, however, what I see more clearly now is that I pay dearly for choosing martyrdom and victimization, distress, misery and crucifixion.)
That was yesterday. Today, Dennis called me at 7:30 AM having heard on the radio that our suburb had experienced a power outage and would I please go to their house and let the water trickle to prevent their water pipes from bursting? The information he heard was inaccurate which I explained to him and I, also, assured him were we to lose power, of course I would attend to it, no problem.
I won’t lie to you or myself, it ticked me off. I went right back down the rabbit hole with an overpowering feeling of rage and inconvenience. No, I did not ask for a miracle to replace these justifiable grievances! No, I did not want to practice Lesson 30 much less read today. I wanted to languish in projection, so silly, I get it, yet I made a choice to stay stuck. AHA, what shall I do about it? Ask the Holy Spirit for help in releasing all of this, do I want peace or not? I cannot do this alone, I cannot undo, but He can. This is reminiscent of Lesson 23. Nope, no more attack thoughts, I don’t need vengeance, I want to be peaceful, period.
Now back to practicing.
Have a lovely day!
Much love,
Gayle
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Everything you everything you write Gayle fills me with recognition. I know you, I see you, I hear you and I can relate totally.
Hi Margaret, thank you for your loving and kind thoughts, as always. I feel oh so much better now. Having read a post from a fellow student last night who shared her own experience, different in form, doesn’t matter, I realized I was just being “faithful” to my identity as Gayle Bartlett as opposed to choosing Christ’s vision. I chose the ego or fear, sacrifice and martrydom over love, freedom from fear, sacrifice and martrydom. I will do that again in spite of my good intentions, in spite of my desire to see all things differently, above all else. I participate in Rev. Deb’s Thursday programs, they are so rich, deep and fulfilling. Among the assignments she integrates in her teaching and practical application exercises, she offers us readings from the Text, WB and/or Manual for Teachers that are illustrative and beneficial to the program’s theme. Anyhow, I can choose to ask for help in releasing my fear of Love’s presence. I can lay down my dreams/arms and allow the Holy Spirit to transform my dreams and fantasties to happy or peaceful dreams. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me and share your loving thoughts with me. Love you, Gayle