How is it possible that I have been studying ACIM for many years now and have spent much of that time intellectualizing it?
Yep, I have been beating myself up about this for the past week or two, to be honest.
I won’t bore you with how much I have read to assure my understanding of the Course’s terminology, etc. I have visited the website containing all of Ken Wapnick’s Lighthouse articles, excerpts from workshops he led when alive, and pursued the countless books, CDS, available there. I have all of his books and I have read the entire Journey through the Workbook over time, eight volumes, meaty, meaningful and enlightening.
I intellectually understand form and content, I understand cause and effect, I understand “It is but myself I crucify”, that the secret of salvation is this, that I am doing it to myself. The latter is a reference to a sentence in the Text we are reading in our Thursday class. Let me know if you are interested in where it is.
Bottom-line, I share this because the fear and terror of looking at all the darkness in my mind for its transformation to light by Jesus/Holy Spirit has been too great. Just too great.
At my core, like all of us on an unconscious basis, I have believed I have irreparably sinned, that I am destined for hell; by “desperately” reading the extent to which I have, I have also believed that somewhere, somehow, my studying would be acknowledged and I might be given a pass, ha! OR….hmm…that all my learning would be translated through osmosis to my consciousness without having to look at the depth and breadth of the sins I have committed toward myself and others.
I have practiced the lessons, I have participated in innumerable forums offered by MiraclesOne. I won’t bore you with what they’ve been and are.
For me, today’s lesson triggered a shift, a realization and awareness that I need not be so terrified, that I have not sinned, I need no longer torment myself or attack others, that I can stop blindly buying into the beliefs and thoughts that drive behavior that never leads to peace.
Hmmm…hold on one more minute. Was my reading so much, etc., a defense? Was it to mask/camouflage my fear of looking within so I could pretend I was doing the practical application recommended when it was robotic and fear-based?
OK, enough analysis. I am aware of my defenses, that’s enough, I am aware of my being at cause if I so choose. Toward peace, not misery, toward serenity, not chaos.
Jesus asks us to bring our attack thoughts to Him, be willing to let them go and allow Him to transform them. Pretty darned simple and, BTW, Ken does reference this lesson and Lesson 5 over and over and over again. Why, because they are simple and straightforward?!
I tire of being in the driver’s seat, think I will get into the back seat and enjoy the ride!
Love to all,